Rose was always so brave. This was her very last treatment. If this wasn't the worst day of my life, it was in the top two. I began to replay it in my mind and thought that if it was bad for me, what was it for Rose. I decided I would try to recount the day as I imagined it from how she might have experienced it. I keep wrestling with the book I'm doing on Rose and these thoughts grew out of thinking that we might do the book as though she was writing it.
I have got to get oùt of the bed. I wish I could stay here all day. This is going to be such a hard day. How can I skip it? Why am I keeping this up. (crying)
"Mom, I have to get ready." I feel so badly for Mom. I know it is going to be so hard for Her when I'm gone. Am I talking about the day or am I talking about dying. I think about it lots. Mom won't have to worry and fret. It is so hard on her. Maybe it's time Oh, I hurt so much. How am I going to get down the steps? Jerry will be here soon. He will figure it out. I hurt so much. "Mom, see if I can sit up." Crying.
"I can't do it. Get on this side and let's try it."
"Rose, I'm here, let's do it." Is he really that upbeat and cheerful always. Who is with him.
"Rose, this is my friend Adam, he's a lawyer but let's not hold that against him".
He's kind of cute.
"Rose, I think that if we put you in a chair, we can do it.
LI don't think so. Ohhh, I'm in so much pain. The chair doesn't work. Let's try the wheel chair. Slowly. Oh, this is hurting so much. Finally in the wheel chair with Jerry on one side and the cute lawyer on the other, we make it down.
Just as We are about to leave, one of my friends from High School sees me. I feel so bad. She comes over. I can't remember her name.
"Oh Rose, how are you?"
"I'm so sorry". She starts to cry.
"Don't cry."
"I'm OK. I'm so sorry, Rose."
"I'm just headed to Mount Zion for my treatment."
She starts crying again. "Rose, I am so sorry." She reaches down and hugs me.
I have to rest. Jerry is quiet, thank goodness. We turn onto Union, up to Van Ness and all the lights are syncronized. How many times have I done this? A beatiful day, I turn to Jerry. "Maybe we could ride out to the beach."
"That would be great." Both of is know it's not going to happen. How many times have we said this? When today is over, all I will feel like doing is falling back in the bed. I'm so useless. If one more person tells how inspirational I am, I'm going to scream.
"OK Rose, we have to have parking karma." There's nothing in front. Whoa, look at this, somebody is coming out. Rose, you did it again. HooAhhhhhh!"
"Hang on, have to get the wheel chair out. "OK, Rose, here we are. Now, let me lift you in."
"You know I can't help you, don't you?"
Got ya."
"I know you have back trouble, can you do this?"
" No sweat Rose, piece of cake. Don't forget, I'm a paratrooper well, an Ex paratrooper." She only weighs 80 pounds, no sweat at all. OK, the wheel chair is stable.
Jerry slids his arm behind my back. He's trying to be gentle but ooohhh, hurts so much. I can't cry.
"Please God." I'm in the chair, some nice man offered to help. Everybody's so helpful.
I'm so tired. So glad that I can rest In the lobby for a minute. I know this person. I can't remember her name. Thank God, Jerry is intercepting her. He is so good at this. I am so tired. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. At what point do we stop. I think I'm going to talk to Michelle today.
This is taking forever but I guess I don't mind. Jerry is pretty quiet today. He's over talking to this guy. I don't think he knows him but he regularly talks to strangers. Amazing, acts like they are old buddies.
Here we go. I don't remember the tech's name. I don't think he's ever told me. He's always so kind. He smiles, "Rose, let's get you on the scale here." "I can't do it."
"Oh, no problem, let's see on that blood pressure." It won't fit. He wrestles with a cuff and then puts my finger in the "jenga bobby be." I smile to myself. Where did I hear that word. I lnow I didn't make it up. I think at the Boys and Girls Club. Funny how you think of things.
Michell's office is pretty stark. The usual players are there. A couple of "clinical trial" types. One is the same--been with me before. I've been through so many. What I thought all along? That there has been some magic bullet that would take care of it all. There isn't. Michell comes in. "How are you, Rose?"
"OK, I guess." Michelle puts her stelescope on and says, "let's get you up here." I try to move and fall out of my chair. Everybody seems motionless, except Jerry. He is on the floor instantly with me, holding me up so I don't fall backward. Michell and the nurse immediately kneel down,
"Are you OK, Rose?", Michelle says. I nod. She immediately sits on the floor and starts to examine me. It is kind of comical. I'm on the floor with my legs stretch out. Jerry sits behind me with his shoulder holding me up. My doctor sits on her knees and examines me. It is like we are kids playing doctor. My doctor Melisko is so wonderful. I am going to miss her. This is the second time when I am so weak that I could die. At the PET scan. What a mess. What can I do? I hear talking. It is Michelle, "Rose, it seems that what we are doing is not working. There is another possible trial." I look at her. I know. She knows. "Why don't you think about it?"
The Infusion Center seems quiet. Oh, somebody's in the bed here. Oh, I do hope Bruce got me a bed. Here he comes. "Darlin, I have you a nice quiet room at the back. Come on." We walk back to the bed. Bruce reaches under my arms and slightly lifts and moves me to the bed. He's so gentle. I stare at the ceiling. I am cold. Here is Bruce with warm blankets. I love Bruce. Michelle comes on. Doctors never do this. She sits down, stands up. She acts like she wants to say something. Is she crying? She leaves. "Darlin, you need some juice, potassium, let's see what else." I smile at him. Susan comes in and pats my arm. I close my eyes. I'm so sleepy. Jerry is sitting at the end of the bed, looking forlorn. Poor guy. Like he wishes he could do something.
I do feel better. All those juices I guess but usually it lasts for just a little while. I guess my body can no longer fight off anything.
Bruce and Jerry slide me off the bed onto the wheelchair. I smile. "Don't let me go again. One scene is enough for the day." Bruce looks a little bewildered. "Oh, I didn't tell you. I fell out of my chair in Michelle's office." Poor Bruce, he looks stunned. "Oh. Bruce my baby, it's OK, just trying to give everybody a thrill." I want to lighten it up. I don't want them to be sad. They have done their best. I have had quite a run.
I want to check on my next appointment. We stop. I change my mind. "Let's go."
"I thought you wanted to check on your appointment."
"Changed my mind." I pat Jerry's hand, "you know how wen are, can't male up their minds." He smiles. He knows. We get in the elevator and head down. I feel so bad but not as bad as I did. It is a little overcast. We are walking to the car. Well, we are not walking, I am in the wheelchair. Jerry opens the door. He slides the wheelchair close to the car. He tries to reach under me. I'm trying to help. I try to move over on the seat. I can't help. This hurts so much. Oh no, I'm not on the seat. I'm sliding off. Help, I'm going to hit the payment. I don't land on the payment but Jerry's hands. His hands are under me. He has cushioned the blow. I know this must have hurt.
"I've got you, Rose, just relax." He slides me across the seat and buckles me in. I sense the relief as he gets to the driver's side. Our next challenge is getting up the steps. I do hope Glen is there. I don't know how we'll manage. I think I'm going to cry. I'm so tired. Poor Jerry. I'm going to lay my head back and relax.
Silence.
"Oh no, Glen isn't here. He is usually standing outside. Jerry is going to see. I hurt so bad. I can't go through this again. Here comes Jerry. "Rose, Glen isn't here. I can carry you up the stairs."
"I'm afraid you'll hurt yourself." "
"No sweat, Rose, I'm an ex paratrooper. We can't forget that."
"I know but what about your back?
"What back? Jerry slides his hands under me, "Rose, just put your hands around my neck and no sweat."
I hurt so. He's doing it. The stairs, I think it is OK.
"Rose, I'm going to lay you on the bed now."
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